Snap Judgments: The Oscars

As someone who finds sitting cross-legged staring at the wall to be a more interesting activity than watching the Oscars, it’s always fun every year to hear everyone go on and on after the fact about all the red carpet fashion. Every year I think I must have missed something, some big moment in fashion history. EVERY YEAR.

And every year I go through website after website chock full of gown commentary. Do you remember anyone’s Oscar dress from before this year? No. Know why? Because like the movies that the Oscars often honor, they’re entirely of no consequence.

So, to combat all the Internet pomp and circumstance around who designed what for whom, and how it looks, and body types, etc., I’m going to give you all you need to know about Oscar fashion in a series of rapidfire snap judgments–something I do well. What follows will no doubt be the least in-depth thing I’ve ever written, but we’ll all feel a sense of relief after.

No. Also... No.

What the hell?? No.

Jesus Christ. It's a bra on top and an anemic mermaid on the bottom. STAND UP STRAIGHT. No.

You made your own poop machine, which is crazy, but... Yes.

SOMEONE GIVE ANGELINA SOME ATTENTION!! No. Though I can't tell because she's so annoying.

Yes.

Merry Christmas! It's Emma Stone! I love her, but No.

Yes. But it might just be that I respect her for copying my hair.

A magic dead swan seems to be hugging you. No.

Who let Princess Leah in? No.

I don't know what the hell is happening here, but it seems wildly inappropriate, so No. Or Yes. I don't know. MAYBE

There. See? You don’t have to think so hard about these things. I also probably should have mentioned that I don’t think anyone looks good in a gown. We’re not accustomed to gowns in this day and age and it shows. Big ol’ parade of awkward.

About Michael von Braithwaite

Does it look like I'd wear it on a boat, at an eccentric person's estate or accompanied by a peacock on a chain? Yeah, I'll probably buy that.

6 comments

  1. xoxobenmccoy

    Its like it’s the first time Angelina’s been let out of the house for months and she’s 14 and was just allowed to shave her legs for the first time EVER. It’s absurd. The leg memes on the internet are hysterical:

    Wow, actually I just looked at MORE oscar photos of her, (i, too, have no patience for much of it) and WOW. she REALLY was working her LOOKATMYLEG!!!! the ENTIRE TIME. wow. I bet in sheer focus and will, she burned 3,000 calories, which was probably the reason she did it anyway.

    … and although Gwyneth is equally annoying, that dress is pretty great, AND U KNOW I LOVE A CAPE!

  2. Michael von Braithwaite

    A GOOD CAPE IS A LADY’S BEST FRIEND!

  3. Half the fun of fashion is in the styling, and when you’re wearing just one object–a gown–there’s not much you can do with it. There’s just jewelry and some shoes that get hidden. Gimme street fashion layers any day.

  4. Michael von Braithwaite

    That’s what I think! I mean, yeah, a gown. Great. You’re obviously not used to wearing it and frankly it doesn’t suit your overall personality (or what I know of it through media), so it’s not so exciting. Except for Gwyneth and Octavia. Their outfits “seem” like them.

  5. Cayce LeGaspi

    The first Oscar fashion review that I have found to be spot on. SPOT ON BRAITHWAITE! Well done.

  6. Love this! Hilarious. And yes, I do believe Michelle Williams copied your hair!

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