1. Floral Jeans
Two words I never thought I’d hear together–and now we see why:
Without stating the OBVIOUS (which is that these are just rotten), I would also like to point out that there is a huge blossoming FLOWER over the genitals. Too literal, too loud, too easy. Here’s a few more variations, that are just as nauseating:
The Internet tells me this is a celebrity. I find that debatable, but her self-assured and smug grin reeks of a specific brand of nepotism found only in Hollywood’s youngest produce. Here we see her hopping on the floral jean trend with abandon, so much so that she couldn’t decide whether or not she wanted her shirt tucked IN, or left OUT, and so, in her botched botanical pants party, she just decided to do BOTH.
You see, not only are these jeans crazy, they make you do other crazy things as well.
I think she just sprained her ankle those shoes are so on-par with the heinousness of matching floral jeans.
2. DENIM DEPENDANCY
Look, the horrors of floral jeans could not exist had it not been for the fact that you guys are ADDICTED to wearing denim. Let’s do some math to prove my point. Write down the number of how many denim items you wore yesterday. Now list the amount of denim items you wore the day before that. Now do so until you reach back a week or two. Tally up your number. You know what number that is? I know what it is–TOO MUCH. The common person wears denim nine days out of seven, which is insane, because that’s two more days than there are in a week!!!! How did you do that???
Admit it, you have a problem. It’s ok, man. I’m not judging you, I’m not saying we can’t be friends, I’m not saying you’re never going to make it. Plenty of people have problems; alcohol addiction, drug addiction– some people can’t cope without caffeine, coffee, sugar, or carbs. It’s ok. You can get through this. The first step is realizing you have a problem, admitting you have a problem, and going forward. I believe in you. YOU CAN DIAL DOWN THE DENIM IN YOUR LIFE. I’m not saying you have to throw it all out tomorrow, I’m just saying try going without it for a while. Try some other fabrics, let some other material in your life. YOU DESERVE TO BE FREE.
3. Sequin abuse
Nothing says I didn’t receive enough attention in life like the delusion of grandeur required to wearing an entire article of clothing drenched in “sparkly” sequins. Just because something is shiny doesn’t make it noteworthy. I mean, would you wear the excess oil from your T-Zone as a shirt-dress? No, no, you wouldn’t.
Look, I’m not saying sequins are atrocious and should never be incorporated into your wardrobe. What I am saying is that restraint should definitely be used. For example, you’re not going to do four big lines off of someone’s compact mirror in the bathroom all at once are you ??? No, you’re going to do a tiny little bump, because you’re a lady. Sequins are like drugs, and should be abused with similar caution.
4. Shredded Stockings
This look kills me. Kills me like a serial killer who stalks the streets waiting for unsuspecting and inebriated girls to stumble around on the pavement looking for their keys in their oversized bag while he sucker punches them, throws them in the back of his car before taking them back to his spotless home to mangle, rip, tear, dismember and then dispose of the body in a dumpster, the lake, or to be buried in a ditch by the side of the road. WHICH IS WHAT THIS OUTFIT LOOKS LIKE BTW.
5. Kitten Heels
Kitten heels are shoes with a heel that is two inches or less. It shouldn’t take a Size Queen to tell you that two inches or less doesn’t do ANYTHING.
Calling these things “kitten heels” is like calling booty shorts “micro-pants,” so I like to re-name them Stupid Heels. For example, why not walk around with a thumb-tack stuck to your shoe? I see no difference:
Stupid Heels are the most passive-aggressive footwear. Look, I understand not everyone wants to be propped up by four or five inch stiletto-heeled platforms. Not everyone has a superiority complex, I get it. But if you can’t walk gracefully or comfortably in high heels, then for god’s sakes, take yourself out of the game and stop riding the fence. Make a decision–commit to it–and for once in your life, live passionately!
6. Fanny packs
Fanny packs are sacks that are attached to a belt that fasten’s around one’s waist and either droops to one’s side or rests strangely over one’s crotch. If you’re running a marathon a fanny pack could hold your water bottle, in which case the fanny pack becomes functional. If you wear a fanny pack for any other reason, then it is dysfunctional.
Maybe people who wear fanny packs think they look somewhat like this:
When in reality, they look like this:
7. The North Face Jacket
Do you live in Alaska? Is your home an igloo? Do you hunt polar bears? Are you doing an archaeological dig in the polar ice cap regions? Are you the mailman for a Tibetan monastery that is perched high atop a snow-capped mountain that is perpetually drenched in a fatal blizzard? NO ???? Then WHY ARE YOU WEARING A NORTH FACE JACKET.
“But, Ben!!! In the winter I need to stay warm! It gets COLD!”
The only thing that gets cold is my feelings for you when I see you in a North Face jacket.
8. Nylon Magazine Covers
You guys, what kind of crazy late-nite pajama party are they throwing over there at Nylon?!?!
The team of stylists for Nylon have a very special approach. Disregard coherence, anything cohesive, or coordinated. These are big DOWNERS over at Nylon. It’s as though the magazine has started snorting Ritalin on top of their speed-ball sundaes paired with a decision-making problem cherry on top. Take ten trends, throw them all together simultaneously, and at random, on the model, while holding a gun to her head telling her she’s not free to go until you have the SHOT OF YOUR LIFE. Proceed with inane ramblings with drug dealer and fellow tweakers about The Next Big Thing while Gossip Girl plays on repeat in the background.
9. Striped socks
“Striped socks” is two words.
Know what else is?
….which leads to number ten on my style shit-list….
10. ADULTS in pig tails
You know, I’m not a completely unreasonable person. I, too, have gotten bored and made some really bad decisions with regards to my hairstyle as well as my lifestyle. After one particularly bad weekend, I shaved off my eyebrows. I have given myself an asymmetrical shag hair-cut that was no where NEAR the Cleopatra cut that I thought I was giving myself. This is why I bought clip-on bangs! I can just clip them in when I get bored with my hair, and take them out the next morning when I’m not too drunk to touch things that involve effort. But you will NOT see me in adult pig tails.
I can’t blame anyone for wanting to switch up their hairstyle. But I would have to give you a big “OH, COME ON!!!!!!!!!” if you didn’t realize that pig tails on adult women create some creepy-cutesy sexual fetishization that takes its cues from little girls. Just a few examples, because I feel gross even Googling this:
Google Images shows me a prevalence of adult women who wear pigtails either have lollipops or some other “sweet” directed towards, or in, their mouth, or they are simply finger-banging their mouth with their own hands. A blank, or faux childlike, inquisitive stare usually accompanies this along with male pandering, a subscription to online porn, and the banshee screams of the second wave of feminism.
So let’s leave pigtails to the porn stars and the little people they were intended for in the first place, children. Besides, admit it; you will never win against this little lady, Suri Cruise: