Rising to the Sexy Sci-Fi Occasion

Ok. After years of barely hiding it anyway, I have a confession to make. I love Sci-Fi movies (not enough to call them “Syfy” movies… or too much to call them Syfy movies). A lot. Except for Splice, which I don’t think anyone should see unless they’re already as twisted as the movie itself is. So unsettling.

Sci-Fi/Fantasy is something my dad got me into when I was little. For some reason I wasn’t allowed to watch anything not rated G unless it was one of the Alien movies. Ghost was too racy, but it was totally ok for my dad and I to yell “Get away from her, you BITCH” in unison when it was time for Ellen Ripley to blow the alien queen to kingdom come.

The arbitrary rules of parenthood: unmasked at last!

But don’t you all think that Sci-Fi/Fantasy is only good for bad one-liners and an afternoon with your favorite locally-sourced, organic weed. Sci-Fi/Fantasy movies have produced some of the most amazingly bizarre futuristic fashion EVER. For the most part, The Future seems to look like a Ren Faire on LSD. Come with me, won’t you? Into The Future…where women wear the strangest outfits while fighting things.

 

 

Are you excited to see me, or is that a deadly laser gun in your bodice?

Remember how sometimes I write about feminist things? NEVERMIND! Barbarella is the best. Sometimes when the world seems particularly terrible, I imagine that I throw on a male gaze-style bodice that draws attention to my lady parts and then I just start shooting lasers everywhere. The best part of Barbarella’s above bodice is the transparency of the plastic covering her ta-tas. Your enemies will be so mesmerized and distracted by your headlights, you’ll have more than enough time to vanquish them.

Then you can go out dancing! With your tiny handheld crossbow.

Ready, honey!

In general, weapons are a key part of any fashionable woman’s repertoire in The Future. That’s because in The Future everything has gone to hell in a hand basket and women rise to the sexy occasion by killing whatever needs to be killed.

Perhaps the best example of a sexy occasion that needs to be risen to is that of a world without oil. In a world without oil, you’re going to want to look to a sometimes ethical/unethical leader who wears all chain mail like a knight, but with lots of cleavage.

You’re going to want Aunty Entity. And her tiny handheld crossbow.

Ready, honey!

Everyone remembers Aunty Entity as the bad guy in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but really, she was just doing what she had to to create some semblance of order in an otherwise horrifying reality. I mean, once Mad Max made it to the city of children, it wasn’t all that much better. What with their made up gibberish and insistence on superstitions. Plus a “city of children” is really creepy.

And Aunty Entity was clearly a genius. Chain mail creates a terrifying countenance….

Aunty Entity is about to get seriously real

….but it breathes better than cotton!

Speaking of items of futuristic clothing that breath, Ellen Ripley favored MC Hammer pants about a decade before the fad. What’s interesting about the Alien movies is that there was no sexy occasion for Ripley to rise to for the first 2 movies. In fact, in Aliens (the second movie) she’s about as unsexy as it gets (see above remark about Hammer pants). But she has the best weapons. Flamethrowers, machine guns from The Future, knock off Air Jordon/moon boots which aren’t weapons but still they’re alarming…

Can't touch this

This is how I imagine myself as I’m tearing through the streets of Providence, mentally destroying every driver who makes an illegal left hand turn in front of me, or sits for a full 10 seconds at the light after it turns green. It’s best that I don’t have a flamethrower.

Ah to be young and in possession of a flamethrower

After Aliens, somehow a sexy occasion must arise, because Ripley is really dedicated to a plunging neckline. And also puffy vests courtesy of Future Gap.

If you seduce the Alien queen... well she'll still plant babies in your stomach that will rip you in two when they hatch

Here she is slightly concerning Winona Ryder, who is frightfully unprepared for a bleak The Future.

Oh 'Nona. It'll be ok.

See how Ripley’s doing the all black leather thing? That’s pretty boss. I always want to pull of that look, but I’m too ornery looking rather than deadly looking. As such, my destiny would be something along the lines of the various Future princesses. Which is boring. They all look like versions of royalty from the 1500s.

Princess Irulan's collar would like to see you now

Dune continues to be one of the weirdest, most boring Sci-Fi movies of all time. I’m still not clear on what the deal was with the spice. Worms made cinnamon? The cinnamon made people blue or blue-eyed? Sting hates Agent Cooper for some reason? I don’t know. I’ve seen it 4 or 5 times and I always wake up when Agent Cooper is riding a worm. Or is that Tremors?

Anyway, the best part of the movie is Gaius Helen Mohiam. I have a strong hunch that Patrick Mohr was inspired by her character.

Listen, Agent Cooper. Beware the cinnamon.

Bald is beautiful, y'all!

There’s no real moral to this post other than that Sci-Fi movies can give you some awesome ideas for styles that would usher you from this reality into the coming post-apocalyptic future. I’ve been obsessed with this future since I was 5 and watched some made for TV movie where there’s a nuclear holocaust and these people in an airplane have to fly around forever because they can’t land. I can’t remember how they got fuel, but the concept of surviving against all odds really stuck with me.

Sometimes I go into my closet and pick out what would be my defining ensemble should all hell REALLY break loose, forcing me to take up arms and stick to the back roads. It likely wouldn’t be a bodice. Because I don’t own a bodice and also they don’t weather well.

About Michael von Braithwaite

Does it look like I'd wear it on a boat, at an eccentric person's estate or accompanied by a peacock on a chain? Yeah, I'll probably buy that.

4 comments

  1. Also, whatever Kate Beckinsale is wearing when she’s in those idiotic vampire/werewolf movies. That’s how I want to dress ALL THE TIME.

    • Michael von Braithwaite

      It’s a series of leather bodices, no? With the added benefit of a dramatic long coat. I also want to pose for pictures with a gun in each hand a la the Underworld posters.

  2. Matthew Lawrence

    I can’t think of a single thing that sounds worse than a City of Children.

  3. I love everything about this post but especially this line: “…I always wake up when Agent Cooper is riding a worm. Or is that Tremors?”

    Wasn’t there an early Alien scene of Ridley in a tight white tank top? Maybe that’s not as traditionally sexy but I thought it was pretty hot…

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