I Want Your Face

The premise for this post is pretty simple: there are people who exist whose faces are weird and beautiful and so I wish my face was their face. And also they seem to have good clothes. This post is essentially just going to be an archive of all of the faces I would have as my own. Not in that “I’m going to take your face skin to make a new face on my face that looks like your face” Silence of the Lambs kind of way, though. Just in a “Wow, I love your face, I really wish my face looked like that” sort of admiring way. And also I like your clothes.

Face #1: Lykke Li

Lykke Li is so cute and weird! Her face is some combination of ornery/spacey 8-year-old and a less terrifying Angelina Jolie…like if Angelina Jolie didn’t look like she might eat your young or participate in blood sacrifices to a reptile god. And Lykke Li gets to do so many fun things. Like be from Sweden and be an awesome recording artist and wear rad clothes and put her hair up in a messy bun.

See? Much less terrifying than Angelina.

And she makes super weird/beautiful videos. Like this one where she sort of hops around all loosey-goosey like some sort of bohemian woodland imp with a sky high credit card limit and so the woodland imp is really well dressed when you happen upon her.

Or this one where she goes to the beach, falls asleep, then decides to start stabbing sand when she wakes up.

“What did you do this weekend, Michael?”

“Oh, not much. I went to the beach and surrounded myself with a circle of varying types of knives and stabbed the sand for a while. Or maybe it was the desert. I don’t know, the landscape was really ambiguous. You?”

Face #2: Annie Clark (aka St. Vincent)

"Uh-oh! I'm beautiful!"

Remember how Adam Boehmer wrote all about Annie Clark a couple of weeks ago? His post reminded me that I’d really like her face to be my own face. I think it’s pretty apparent why.

"Oh hi. I just landed from another world where everyone is breathtaking, albeit a little odd looking."

Here’s the deal: I have short, straight blond hair and that’s all I’ll ever have. I would KILL to have a mass of messy black curls that I could look calculatedly messy/fancy with. Messy/fancy is the BEST combo for any look and it helps if you can do things with your hair apart from let it just sit there like a lazy bunch of filamentous biomaterial.

Messy/fancy in the woods!

Face #3: David Lynch

You know, when David Lynch was younger, circa Blue Velvet, his face was very squishy looking. Now that he’s gotten older, his face has attained a pleasing level of cragginess. That coupled with his mad scientist hair and standard, classic look makes me really want his face. Which would be bizarre, especially if I kept my own body, because his overall facial area and head size wouldn’t be proportionate to my frame, but still! Look at his face!

David Lynch knows more than you.

Did you know that David Lynch made a playlist for anyone who wants to listen? It’s pretty boss. Especially because listening to a playlist someone makes is like a VIP peek into their brain. You just have to pay attention.

David Lynch likes smooth rock-n'-roll from the '50s.

Face #4: Alison Mosshart

Speaking of David Lynch’s playlist, you know who was on David Lynch’s playlist? The Kills. The Kills are two people…one guy who does things and Alison Mosshart. Alison Mosshart has probably one of my favorite voices ever. She sounds like she’s kind of pissed off, kind of sad, kind of unimpressed, and kind of ready to just go ahead and have sex. It’s pretty intriguing. You might notice that the picture of her up there doesn’t actually show her face. That’s because her face, in and of itself, isn’t that compelling. She’s cute enough, but it’s her straight up Jagger-style rock n’ roll persona that I think is what I really want.

Totally doesn't give a F#*@k.

Have you ever seen a fur coat that looks like it made it through the end of the world, smoked a cigarette, then hopped on the closest rock star it could find? Now you have. See above.

Persona perfecto.

Face#5: Katharine Hepburn

I am aware that Katharine Hepburn’s face is basically the opposite of the previous face. I’m a Taurus on the cusp of Gemini (the Cusp of Energy) and so sometimes I have extremely dichotomous aspects of what I want/do/think/feel. The Taurus part of me really wants to be sensible and classic and the Gemini part of me wants to change looks on nearly a daily basis and desert my life in favor of constant travel. It’s like astrological purgatory.

You can tell she had a mouth by the way she sits rebeliously on the arm of the chair.

Anyhoo. Katharine Hepburn has been my style mentor since I was like 11. I went through a really unfortunate “alternative” phase during my teen years, but overall I’d like to stick to the Hepburn path. Not only was she beautiful and fashionable, she also had a real mouth on her.

This is what graceful aging looks like, folks!

Face #6: Tilda Swinton

Look. Tilda Swinton is just crazy looking. I mean, what is the deal with her face?? She’s technically a little hideous, but she somehow manages to be gorgeous. And her face can go from the above look….

…to THIS:

BLLLLLRRRHHHPPPPAAAAPPHHHH!!!

She has cheekbones that could cut glass, zero lips for all intents and purposes, she’s skinny as a rail, and she makes eye contact like she’s going to suck your soul through your nostrils. THAT IS A PERFECT FACE SOMEHOW.

And her CLOTHES! Oh my goodness.

The best part of her face, though, is how androgynous it is. She’s so andro that when I saw Orlando for the first time when I was 13, I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it made me feel funny in a good way.

So that’s it! Various faces that I wish were my own. Sadly, technology hasn’t gotten there yet, so I’ll just be sticking with what genetics gave me.

About Michael von Braithwaite

Does it look like I'd wear it on a boat, at an eccentric person's estate or accompanied by a peacock on a chain? Yeah, I'll probably buy that.

8 comments

  1. I totally agree with you on Kathrine Hepburn! She was beautiful when she was young and aged gracefully….don’t we all wish we could do that! Great blog!

  2. Therese

    I SCREAMED EVERY LINE OF THIS TEXT BACK AT THE MONITOR LIKE IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND

  3. Robyn’s in that Lykke Li Video!!!

    also, Orlando is an amazing movie. Those are my thoughts.

    • Michael von Braithwaite

      Wait. Is Robyn that girl who jumps in who looks so deeply Scandinavian it’s ridiculous? In the black turtle neck?

  4. adamboehmer

    I met a boy once with a Tilda Swinton face. Or maybe it’s because she has a boy face. She had his face, or something. Anyways, his and her faces are both gorgeous.

  5. I believe Eartha Kitt had one of the most memorable faces of the century. I’ve only met one person who looked sort of by a far stretch like her.


    The list – while a little on the pale side, not just white but really snowflake pale – is full of musicians and actors I admire… so kudos.

    • Michael von Braithwaite

      Eartha Kitt’s face was/is incredible! Also she’s one of my favorite humans of all time. I actually wrote a post on here last spring about how Eartha Kitt was one of my greatest personality influences. You’re right…the list is snowflake white, it’s true. I was trying to keep it within my current pallor, which is about as “fresh snow on a field of white” as one can get. You know, to keep the idea of taking someone else’s face within the realm of the believable.😉

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