A True Story of Terrifying Outfits

It’s Halloween! I’m sure everyone is saturated with blog posts about costumes, so I thought I’d dedicate this post to some real life outfits that I personally find bone-chilling. Far from once-a-year appearances, many of the images you’ll see today occur with regularity on streets across the country EVERY DAY. Some of these looks have even been endorsed by supposed “fashion authorities.” This is why you should always be suspicious of the authorities. Hold onto your hats, dear readers.

NOOOOOOO!!!

Oh wow. There's just so much here. So much.

Let’s start with one of this year’s terrifying trends: the furry animal hat worn by tacky women, rather than by introspective children, everywhere. I have an imagination game that I play every time I see one of these scenes wherein I have received a grant to do a performance piece where I dress up like a hunter, carry an air gun, and stalk one animal hat girl a day through the city streets. The day culminates with me, the hunter, cornering the womanimal and shooting the hat off of her head with a POOF of air, leaving her startled and annoyed.

This makes me want to cianide myself

Uggs. Stop wearing them. Everyone stop wearing them. I don’t know what else to say. They’re ugly. SERIOUSLY ugly. People who wear them look like they’ve completely given up on life. Why are they ever still happening? Stop it.

Nothing says "shitty in bed" like a chin strap beard

This is what a natural disaster would look like if it dressed as a person

While not specifically an outfit, I’ve been seeing a lot of my least favorite facial hair configuration since I moved back to the East Coast: the chin strap beard. Guys, this is real talk… chin strap beards make you look like you are so, SO bad at the sex. I understand that it’s supposed to accentuate your jawline, making you appear “strong” or something, but you look like a massive chode. That’s right. You look like a penis that is wider than it is long. You might actually be a nice guy, but you LOOK like a penis that is wider than it is long. Remedy this.

Knife in eye

Fox tails. Why. WHY. Horrifying.

no.

No.

No.

No.

THIS look still>> NO.

Take two things off

I went to art school. I know what can happen. But I’d like to send a plea into the ether, a plea Thomas McBee also made, a plea to for the love of god, take one or several things off if you’re someone who likes to look like they think about what they wear. You just can’t wear a skinny neck scarf, stripes, flannel, shorts, plugs (additionally, join us in this century, won’t you), old dress shoes, AND fashion glasses. You look like a carnival side show attraction. You have a nice face, but I feel like I should be eating fried dough while watching you turn into a human pretzel.

I have never understood these shoes

Are moccasins on still happening anywhere other than the West Coast? What’s the point of this shoe choice? “Oh I’m generally looking pretty ok. I think I’ll throw on these schlumpy fucking shoes to take everything down a notch.” Lady, lady! You couldn’t find some espadrilles or even some nice sandals?

In fact, shoe choices can generally fuck you up.

Oh christ! You've got entrails on your feet! Oh those are shoes. My mistake (or IS it)

Oh, normal girls. Mistakes have been made here.

As a blond person, I would like to everyone to know that non-blonds need to quit trying to be blond. It’s one thing for you to do a “thing…” you know, like platinum hair that’s a key part of an overall look, but if you’re not naturally blond, your hair needs to stay its original color, or some color within that spectrum, unless your hair is actively part of your fashion statement and said fashion statement is reasonably apparent. Non-blonds look raggedy when they bleach their hair. Here’s why: there’s a misconception in this country that blonds are tan, beachy types. I don’t know where this idea came from, but it’s a total lie. Natural blonds are descendants of people from countries so far north, they don’t even get that much sun. We are an easily-burned, freckly bunch with skin tones that lack any hint of olive. We are not natural beach bums. If your eyebrows are dark, you don’t have the skin tone to pull off blond. This cuts both ways. While I would occasionally like to be able to pull off the dark haired/mysterious thing, I just can’t. If I dyed my hair dark, I would look like the undead.

And finally, the most terrifying… THE IMPROPER USE OF A BOW TIE!!!

Who died and made you Pee Wee Herman?

About Michael von Braithwaite

Does it look like I'd wear it on a boat, at an eccentric person's estate or accompanied by a peacock on a chain? Yeah, I'll probably buy that.

8 comments

  1. I both love you and fear what the hell I would ever wear around you. But love always trumps fear. Always. And in jointing you on the “No UGGS ever for any reason” front, I add: do not ever wear pajamas out of the house as clothing. Not vintage. Not flannel L.L. Bean. Not ever. Besides making it look like you need an enormous bag to tote around your bong, your UGGS have already been outlawed to go with your pajamas. Keep it at home.

  2. I find that first pair of moccasins unoffensive, but the second pair taps right into my personal footwear pet peeve, which is any kind of boot/sandal hybrid. Boot sandals defeat the point of both.

  3. ana zir

    I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have a number of those “no no’s” in my closet. Era is everything.

  4. I would pay to watch the animal hats get shot off of heads. Probably $15, which is a lot for me. This is a really brilliant idea that needs to be realized while the trend is still with us.

  5. adamboehmer

    The animal hat thing was happening in the scruffy queer scene in SF a few years ago. No thanks. Also, single feather earrings? Quit it.

  6. Michael von Braithwaite

    The day after I posted this I walked into my local coffee shop to see a girl in her early 20s wearing a panda head on her head. My left eye twitched ever so slightly.

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