It’s Halloween! I’m sure everyone is saturated with blog posts about costumes, so I thought I’d dedicate this post to some real life outfits that I personally find bone-chilling. Far from once-a-year appearances, many of the images you’ll see today occur with regularity on streets across the country EVERY DAY. Some of these looks have even been endorsed by supposed “fashion authorities.” This is why you should always be suspicious of the authorities. Hold onto your hats, dear readers.
Let’s start with one of this year’s terrifying trends: the furry animal hat worn by tacky women, rather than by introspective children, everywhere. I have an imagination game that I play every time I see one of these scenes wherein I have received a grant to do a performance piece where I dress up like a hunter, carry an air gun, and stalk one animal hat girl a day through the city streets. The day culminates with me, the hunter, cornering the womanimal and shooting the hat off of her head with a POOF of air, leaving her startled and annoyed.
Uggs. Stop wearing them. Everyone stop wearing them. I don’t know what else to say. They’re ugly. SERIOUSLY ugly. People who wear them look like they’ve completely given up on life. Why are they ever still happening? Stop it.
While not specifically an outfit, I’ve been seeing a lot of my least favorite facial hair configuration since I moved back to the East Coast: the chin strap beard. Guys, this is real talk… chin strap beards make you look like you are so, SO bad at the sex. I understand that it’s supposed to accentuate your jawline, making you appear “strong” or something, but you look like a massive chode. That’s right. You look like a penis that is wider than it is long. You might actually be a nice guy, but you LOOK like a penis that is wider than it is long. Remedy this.
Fox tails. Why. WHY. Horrifying.
I went to art school. I know what can happen. But I’d like to send a plea into the ether, a plea Thomas McBee also made, a plea to for the love of god, take one or several things off if you’re someone who likes to look like they think about what they wear. You just can’t wear a skinny neck scarf, stripes, flannel, shorts, plugs (additionally, join us in this century, won’t you), old dress shoes, AND fashion glasses. You look like a carnival side show attraction. You have a nice face, but I feel like I should be eating fried dough while watching you turn into a human pretzel.
Are moccasins on still happening anywhere other than the West Coast? What’s the point of this shoe choice? “Oh I’m generally looking pretty ok. I think I’ll throw on these schlumpy fucking shoes to take everything down a notch.” Lady, lady! You couldn’t find some espadrilles or even some nice sandals?
In fact, shoe choices can generally fuck you up.
As a blond person, I would like to everyone to know that non-blonds need to quit trying to be blond. It’s one thing for you to do a “thing…” you know, like platinum hair that’s a key part of an overall look, but if you’re not naturally blond, your hair needs to stay its original color, or some color within that spectrum, unless your hair is actively part of your fashion statement and said fashion statement is reasonably apparent. Non-blonds look raggedy when they bleach their hair. Here’s why: there’s a misconception in this country that blonds are tan, beachy types. I don’t know where this idea came from, but it’s a total lie. Natural blonds are descendants of people from countries so far north, they don’t even get that much sun. We are an easily-burned, freckly bunch with skin tones that lack any hint of olive. We are not natural beach bums. If your eyebrows are dark, you don’t have the skin tone to pull off blond. This cuts both ways. While I would occasionally like to be able to pull off the dark haired/mysterious thing, I just can’t. If I dyed my hair dark, I would look like the undead.
And finally, the most terrifying… THE IMPROPER USE OF A BOW TIE!!!