Head-Shaped Dilemmas (a/k/a First order First World Problems)

Like I promised, I’m back to guide you through a very important lesson: what kind of sunglasses you should wear, and how you should wear them.  Now, the first thing you should know is that I detest the word should.

So you should take anything that follows this missive with a fistful of salt.

So many choices.

I do feel that I am tired of hearing myself and others mill about stores with Lennon glasses on their faces asking, “How do these look?”  Answer?  Terrible on almost everyone.  Here we go.

First rule: know your head. My mother went into a Lenscrafters to have her head measured, and I distinctly remember the sales person saying, “Ma’am, you have the head of a child.”  All those years my mother just assumed glasses sucked.  All she needed to know was that she had a head the size of a large grapefruit.  Since then it’s been glasses heaven.  Please check out the size of your head, if you have any doubts.

All of the heads.

Then, head shape.  Below you’ll find a guide to your head, and hopefully a solution to the never-ending quest for the perfect pair of shades.

You have a round face, say, like Catherine Zeta Jones.  Let’s hope that’s the only characteristic you share.  What kind of specs are right for you?  The goal with a round face is to provide any kind of angular definition.  Try some rectangular frames, or frames with points that draw the attention away from the parabola that is your chin.

Look! We've defined our ball-shaped heads!

You have a square head, perhaps were called “Box” as a kid.  This was before Sponge Bob, who did a lot for square-heads everywhere, I’m sure.  What to do with a shipping container for a head?  You do exactly what you do for every other shape: you distract everyone.  For square heads, go round.  Take a tip from Jolie.  Here’s her square head rocking some round shades.

I'm so soft now that I've gone round.

My nickname at home is "Marshmallow"!

If you have a heart-shaped face like I do, it means you’re amazing.  That’s my personal bias.  But the conundrum of shades is more complex.  It turns out you’re supposed to echo that shape, because it’s a little square and a little round…

We're as sweet as the shapes of our faces...

And if you have an oval face, you’ve apparently hit the jackpot because everything looks good on you.  Even things like wrap-arounds which look terrible on everyone else.

As far as colors and crazy shapes go, if you’re some kind of cutting-edge attention junkie you can wear shades like the pair below, but I’m not endorsing it.  Stick to basic colors.  I think black is great for everything.  White, next, and then the rainbow.

I feel like you're trying to tell me something nationalistic....

And finally, it’s important to know something that I feel is my civic duty.  When having a conversation with a friend or anyone you have a modicum of respect for, take your sunglasses off, unless your conversation is taking place on the sun, which might make it kind of bright.

Additionally if you are not a confirmed bad-ass, or a celebrity, you shouldn’t be wearing your shades at night.  It’s just not safe.

If I have spared even one head-shaped person (that’s everyone)  from purchasing Lennon shades, I win.  When Googling the phrase,  “lennon glasses look bad on everyone,” Google said not one document matched my search results.  Again, I’m in the minority.  That changes now Google.

Aside from being a guide to sunglass shopping, this post is now a googlewhack.

Confirmed bad-ass.

About anissegross

freeartist, writer, lover of most things.

5 comments

  1. Michael von Braithwaite

    I THINK I have an oval face, but I look absolutely awful in anything other than oval-shaped sunglasses. Even Wayfarers, which supposedly look good on everyone look terrible on me. Also, THANK YOU for pointing out that people need to take their sunglasses off when speaking to someone else. That drives me nuts.

    • anissegross

      Michael, you do have an oval face which means you have more to choose from but of course other things come into play. Like the fact that you have a small head and short hair. Wayfarers look best on heart-shaped. I don’t agree that Wayfarers look good on everyone. I actually think you probably look great in lennon glasses…..hmmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick.

  2. I recently read an article about eye shape and learned that I’d been doing my eye makeup wrong for years. It’s nice to know I can just cover my wrongly made-up eyes with a big pair of sunglasses.

    • Maria

      What kind of confirmation does one need to know they are a bad-ass?

      I always liked the kinds of sunglasses my mama wears, big ole owl-eye sunglasses that make you feel like a old timey movie star. But I’ve been spotted recently in big ole cat-eye glasses. I’ve avoided the Lennon ones thus far. Good on me!

      Good job Googlewhack!

  3. ana zir

    Indeed, citrus goes with everything (citrus heads, that is). Always zesty, ever refreshing, and oh so avant-garde, especially with sunglasses.

IBC LOVES your brain, and we encourage thoughtful, lively discussion. We will, however, moderate comments that are abusive or disrespectful. Stay classy!

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