WEDNESDAY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE NEW BLACK

This is my inaugural post, and when asked what day of the week I wanted for my IBC column, I immediately thought of Wednesday.  Wednesday is the day in Richard Brautigan’s novel In Watermelon Sugar when the sun shines grey.  It’s the day of Mercury.  It’s also the name of the split-down-the-middle-braided-goth-child-wonder, Wednesday Addams.  Even more badass is that her middle name is Friday.  Wednesday Friday Addams.  Two days of the week was clearly not enough.  Her name stems from a line culled from a nursery rhyme, “Wednesday’s child is full of woe.”  I’ll never understand why nursery rhymes are so dark.  Are we trying to scare our children on purpose?

The point is that Wednesday Addams brings the darkness. Originally culled from a New Yorker cartoon, brainchild of cartoonist Charles Addams, Wednesday Addams was popularized by Christina Ricci.  Wednesday’s favorite toy is a beheaded Marie Antoniette doll.  It’s amusing to me to note that these two ladies below are distinctly binary opposites.  I put some space between their images, just so that Wednesday doesn’t reach out and cut her head off.

Let them eat cats!

Let them eat cake!

NOT PILGRIM GOTH!

Anyway, I’m supposed to be talking about fashion.  Wednesday Addams spawned an amazing lineage of pilgrim goths (that’s my term.)  There’s only 26 google results for the term “pilgrim goth,” so I’m going to go ahead and say I invented the term.  The first image that comes up in a google search for “pilgrim goth” is this outfit to the right.

This is NOT PILGRIM GOTH!  I’ll tell you why!  First off those shoes.  OPEN TOED?  Are you kidding me?  No real Goth would ever wear white open-toed heels.  Also, LEGS.  No showing skin, especially tan skin.  I’m personally offended by this being labeled “pilgrim goth.”  Peach gloves?  I mean I’m coveting both the dress and belt, but this outfit is confused and it’s definitely fronting like it’s pilgrim goth.

So what is pilgrim goth exactly?  Well it’s the classic, low maintenance, erudite version of goth of course!

Wednesday’s typical attire is a black knee-length dress with a white pointed collar, which makes her look like she has large fangs dripping from her collarbone.  She sometimes wears a printed dress, but it’s always black.  Black tights, black ankle boots.

Collar fangs.

She’s planning on cutting you first with her do-not-fuck-with-me face,  then whipping you silly with her braids, and in fact every single point on her outfit will hurt you in one way or another.  Mostly, she’ll probably just envelop you in her darkness and make you feel like you should have never been born.

But seriously, there’s so many girls who I’ve seen capitalizing on their inky straight hair, twining them into tight braids, and donning as much black as possible.  But it’s important to note this is not your high-maintenance, tons-of-stuff-going-on goth look.  Normal goth looks are so overdone.

I have a feeling she's not going to be doing any swimming.

This is pilgrim goth.  Wednesday Addams is plain, and she’s making a political point.  She’s against pop and gloss.  She’s against makeup and being pretty.  She’s not trying to attract anyone.  Part of the reason she’s dressing like this is in response to the oppression she suffers on a daily basis at the hands of the ignorant.  She’s constantly suffering being so smart.  The girl’s dropping words like “Aristotelian.”  Meanwhile she’s surrounded by syrupy, under-educated kids, that act THEIR AGE!  How insufferable!  I empathize with the girl.  I was a precocious child, and while I didn’t turn to the guillotine for solace, I did cover up as a way to keep things to myself.  Dressing head to toe, showing no skin, and donning all black is like writing a letter to the world that says, “Too smart.  Closed for business.”

Wednesday calling bullshit on Thanksgiving.

Which is what Wednesday is up to.  She wants the world around her to know that she’s too smart to not keep to herself, that when she opens her mouth in public it’s going to be to dress someone down or deliver a political speech like the following intervention in a school play: “Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims. And especially do not trust Sarah Miller. For all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground. ”

I vote Wednesday as my favorite day of the week and as my favorite goth look, partly because I’m not into any of the other goth looks, and I’m partial to wearing black and pilgrim dresses (see my bio about showing less skin), but also because it’s cheap and easy.

This just seems like a lot of work.

Normal goth attire involves so many things and makeup that I can’t even tell if there’s a person in there.  They also spend so much money on gel and spikes and whatever else they need to keep that look going on, but Wednesday just braids her hair and gets on with her tyranny of the tongue.

If you want to dress like Wednesday there’s a few rules.  It helps to be pencil thin.  It’s part of the look.  I’ve got birthing hips, and seeing how part of Wednesday’s look is an anti-maternal sheen, then you’re best off giving the look a whirl if you’re rail thin.  Also, you have to have long hair, or straight hair.  No curls or waves of any kind.  The braids are essential to the look.  You might be able to get away with bangs if they’ve got the line of a straight-edged razor.  You also have to stay out of the sun, and throw out anything with even a hint of color.  And while you’re at it, wipe that smile right off of your face.

There’s even a Wikihow article on “How to Cosplay as Wednesday Addams.”  For those of you not in the know, cosplay is the term for COSTUME PLAY.  That’s right.  My favorite piece of advice from this e-article is “Do not smile unless you have a good reason, like a death or a natural disaster.”

About anissegross

freeartist, writer, lover of most things.

6 comments

  1. Michael von Braithwaite

    Oh my god! This is amazing! Prairie Goth?? AWESOME

  2. “Your people will wear cardigans”–you tell ’em, Wednesday!

  3. Pingback: The Black Napkin « Ironing Board Collective

  4. Pingback: Tricks for Treats: Halloween Costumes You Can Wear All Year « Ironing Board Collective

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