The Skinny on Jeans.

Skinny Jeans have jumped decades, social sets, races, and reason. Some people take the entomology literally and use them like spandex. Like these colorful behinds:

 

A rainbow of bums.

 

Just Lurvly

I don’t know how much that works, but I do know if you have skinny legs skinny jeans will frame them just as much as they’ll frame your top heavier attributes. I’m speaking personal truths…

 

Off balance. No cigar, just a muffin.

 

Artist Mark Bradford has this track on his website called “Skinny Jeans” that traverses the jump and return of skinny jeans from one group to another. Over a classic 90’s club track (think Le Bouche) Bradford ruminates on running into a couple of teenagers near his home in South Central LA, and how their skinny jeans were so tight that they looked at risk of circulation cut-off and other physical conditions… He then goes on about how back in the day, being a slight man in slight jeans in Crenshaw would mean an ass whoopin, but today it’s all the rage. He says, “Well, the Ghetto is changin.” Post their mass appeal in the 70’s, along with a lithe frame and wingtips/afros, skinny Jeans stuck with the indie set until the milleneum, and are now intrinsically shared between hipsters and urbanites alike. A Crossover HIT!

Influencing the Ghetto since yesterday.

Bradford, still skinny and in jeans.

the track doesn’t really answer who owns the niche but is a stunned reaction to the whiplash you get from watching trends dosie-doe. More than that even, it’s just hilarious. Listen to it. The narrative begins around 1:00 and picks back up around 3:03. The whole thing kills though. You can listen to it/download it here:

http://www.pinocchioisonfire.org/#/gallery/pinocchio

 

My favorite thing is when a trend hits the Wal-mart set. Skinny Jeans are there. That’s not exactly when it’s dead, but when it’s body is dug up and made to walk the runway like Bernie from That Weekend at his house.

 

Fashion Zombies.

And now there are skinny jean pajamas, which aren’t jeans but pajamas. Friends, leaving the house dictates a change in attire. These aren’t my rules, these are pedestrian laws we’ve agreed upon as a civilized society, like standing to the right on an escalator (unfortunately not legally enforced), utilizing inside/outside voices, or tossing the milk container when it’s kicked. Think of sweats and skinny pajeanmas as inside clothes. Otherwise, I’ll go all anarchist on you and start wearing my windbreaker jockstrap to the market. Gimme a reason…

 

So unessecarry.

Don’t even talk to me about Jeggings. I have no idea what language you are speaking and I’ll probably turn on the spot and walk away from you. This is of course after I’ve look at you like you’re a class A moron. I don’t wanna do that, we had plans to hang out.

Gettin Jeg-gy.

 

I love my skinny jeans. I never have the same pair more than a season, not because I have impeccable discretion, but because the fit has to be a smidge below too small and my weight fluctuates with the seasons. What usually happens is I lift a leg to tie my shoe and then “Ripppppp,” the crotch blows out. OR, insert humiliation like this past new year, I walk in to make my grand entrance to the party and I fall on a patch of ice into something like an agony split. “RIPPPPPPP!!” I’ve ARRIVED everyone! Pants with a backend/junk ventilation are all the rage in 2011.

 

OOOOhhhhh. But your butt looks GREAT!

 

I tend to go to H&M because of this. For 30 dollars you can get a proper pair of skinny jeans, and in multiple colors. If they stain or rip like they inevitably do, it’s no biggy.  I go immediately for black because of its compounded skinny factor. Urban outfitters sale rack is nice because you have a boutique like plethora of marked down options. My friend Courtney recently had a Jean on Jean on Jean Party and it looked like this:

 

Don't mess with these Jeaned Thugs.

 

Sometimes jeans are all you need.

 

Now, I hear your dismay at my bargain over quality tendencies, but I’m inherently neurotic and CANNOT ever bring myself to pay 200 dollar for jeans. Especially in one of those places where they jump on your back when you walk in, and ride you into the dressing room like some fashion burro. I shop at my own pace and I’m cheap. Lemme alone.

 

 

To compound an issue, the butt of an average pair of boy’s jeans is always this magic eye optical allusion of extra fabric, and like magic eye, one that confounds and upsets onlookers. “Do you see a butt? I think I do… wait, there it is…no… blur your focus and then focus your focus…”

 

You'll never get it if you don't relax!

 

Like a corn maze.

 

So, what am I offering in the way of solutions? Not very much. I cling to the decent jeans I have with panic, anxiously anticipating the day the crotch will disappear. So here’s where I’m asking for your help. Send me your jean go-to’s: stores, brands, styles, cuts, do’s and don’t’s. We’ll put them in a future post and get proactive with it.  Subject: Good Jeans  , send to

tucker.ricky@gmail.com

 

In general, Jeans, skinny neutral or fatty, should accentuate the positive, as should all attire. If your jeans are not showing of your ASSets (corny, but it’s a post about JEANS for Pete’s sake!) then they aren’t doing their job. Let’s be part of the Jean solution.

 

About Ricky Tucker

Fashionably set above and below the mason Dixon for cocktail hour. I once owned a black sweat shirt with a singular gash of black puff paint across the front. I called it my nihilist sweater. Like it, my hope is to negate or accentuate the self through attire, basically light up a room.

4 comments

  1. carrieleilamlove

    But I LOVE my jeggings! Though I do wear them ironically, which makes me a hipster, which is even worse than wearing them unironically I suppose. I will make you hang out with me whilst I rock my $5 leopard Jeggings from Walgreens. And you’ll like it. Mmwah!

  2. it’s not the Jeggings per say, it’s the word. It’s all types of confusing, I always think they’re like stockings, like leg things. When people say the word I feel like an idiot. Thanks IBC for forcing me to learn my brain.

    When I see you Carrie, You can wear whatever you like: SMOOCH!

    • carrieleilamlove

      ha ha ha my favorite is when some dude at the ball park was trying to holler at me and was all, “Hey baby nice jeans! Or are those leggings? Are those jeans? Or leggings?” Also I propose we call all leg-worn accessories “leg things” from now on. I like how it kind of sounds like a weird creature from a pulp sci-fi novel. LEG THINGS FROM THE ABYSS!

      xoxo

  3. 🙂 now I know how to score dates! Just show up to major sports events in leg things. Kudos.

IBC LOVES your brain, and we encourage thoughtful, lively discussion. We will, however, moderate comments that are abusive or disrespectful. Stay classy!

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