I am not always nice. Somehow in recent years I’ve gained a bit of a reputation as such and of course it’s a self-serving situation so that “somehow” is probably, to some degree, me. While it is true that I’m diplomatic, sympathetic, and not a fan of conflict –the (secret?) reality is that I also think many things are dumb. Like, really dumb. And as an aesthete, my eyes are offended by butt spangles, SLUT or whatever written across said-butts, visible chest hair, inappropriately casual attire, inappropriately formal attire, and adults dressed like teenagers.
So while this gentleman will hold his tongue and measure his speech as a general rule, (you’ll never see me having a Roger-Ebert-style display of public crass-ness: YIKES!), here are a variety of fashion-related disasters that I feel perfectly fine trumpeting my distaste for. You can disagree. You can have a strong opinion. But I probably won’t engage with you about it. That’s exhausting.
Skater as High Fashion
It is fine if you are actually a skater. If you are a pro-skater over the age of 27, then it is also fine to wear this stupid shit though you still look kind of dumb. It’s your thing, I get it. Everyone else: NO. Stop it.
I hate A Bathing Ape:
Oh, awesome. Neon camo. In a set!
I also hate Vice. When I was fourteen and trying to be a skater I always felt alienated by what jerks those guys were. Look, they got older and made a “style” section. This “man on the street” is in work out clothes, dudes. I mean, either that or he’s on his way to a 8 am lecture class but either way, who needs this?
Oh, cool. A stupid “Obey” shirt and grey sweatpants. There’s some personality.
What?! These heshers look like they’re about to nod off! Or date rape somebody. The strung-out part would maybe explain why they’ve allowed themselves to be photographed in oversized white t-shirts that say “A New York Thing.” That’s not even clever! NICE BACKWARDS BASEBALL CAP DOOD.
A hat is actually a difficult accessory to nail down. Once you’ve found one that looks good, you know it. Most do not look good due to some mystical combination of factors: noggin size, face shape, et. al. So how does anyone look in the mirror in the situation below and not notice that they look ridiculous? I hate when people look costumed unless they are actually attempting to look costumed: as in, they are making a commentary of some sort. Then I like it. Sometimes.
On a side note: NO CARGO PANTS! It’s almost worse that they’re tailored.
On another side note: former/Bostonians: remember that tacky, overpriced bar on Boylston full of clientele that looked exactly like these folks? WOW. I think that place is gone.
Again with the hats:
What. The. Fuck. What stylist decided that “road trip” means creepy, pasty Hunter S. Thompson as a look? I mean, I guess Hunter S. Thompson = road trip. But a bat shit crazy road trip that no one wants to be on.
Disagree. Also, I wish that other guy would stop looking at me like that.
Look, I’m not a fascist. Have a few hanging around the house–I do. I wear one that says “I heart Civil Liberties” on the semi-reg. Because I DO heart civil liberties, and I want the world to know. Do YOU want the world to know “skull”?
Too Much Going On
Men’s runway shows this season are demonstrating an alarming new trend: toomuchfuckingstuffishappening. And it all lookslikeshitttogether.
I mean, I like to wear like five pairs of glasses at once as much as the next person, but it’s like Claire’s Boutique up in here! Take one thing off! Probably several pairs of glasses and also that coat! IS THAT A BERET YES OR NO?
Clothes That Don’t Fit
I’m not just talking about dudes at the airport, though I am most definitely also talking about that. You could comfortably tuck a regulation football into the leg of your shorts! It looks stupid!
No, I’m talking about the high-fashion translation:
What is the purpose of this? It it art? If it’s art, I hate it.
Okay, I’m emotionally exhausted. Please remember that getting dressed is a public service and a patriotic duty. Happy Fourth of July, America!