I’m Tired!

Well, I’m exhausted! So this is going to be the lousiest post ever. After a scant two hours of slumber following Sister Spit’s San Francisco show I hopped in our van and headed to Los Angeles, downing cups of coffee and bottles of Coke and cans of Red Bull and I even broke down and bought a Monster energy drink which are so uncouth to hold in one’s hand with it’s awful Ed-Hardy-meets- angry-aliens design, and the thing just smells and tastes like booze, so much so that I read the can up and down looking for some mention of alcohol (being unable to drink like a lady, I prefer to abstain) and found none but did locate a warning that pregnant women should avoid the beverage and even the unpregnant are urged to not drink more than three cans a day. What sort of a beverage has more warnings than a pack of cigarettes? It reminded me of how on last year’s Sister Spit tour we encountered a gas station attendant in Oregon who was so addicted to Rock Star he experienced kidney failure and then got a tattoo of the can as a syringe being injected into the crook of his vein.

It’s actually fascinating how a day or two without sleep can make you look as haggard as a witch from a Disney cartoon. Beauty sleep is real! During the deepest cycles of sleep your body leaks a growth hormone that comes in with a mop and some polish and cleans up all the havoc the day wrecked on your pretty, pretty.

I like to dose myself with Melatonin or Valerian before I conk out. Otherwise I’ll lay in bed thinking, ‘Am I going to fall asleep or what?’ Which totally makes you crazy and unable to sleep. So I just pop some supplements and wait for the cozy little wave to hit me and I’m out. Other things you can do to get the beauty sleep you need include not eating a big fucking meal at Koo Koo Roo right before bed, like I just did, cause it raises your blood sugar and makes you want to go dancing. Make sure your room is super dark because light fucks with your pineal gland. This friendly gland is making batches and batches of Melatonin to help you out, and if it detects any light it’s like, You’re so ungrateful, all I do to help you sleep and you thank me by sleeping with a night light on, that’s it, I’m outta here. Don’t watch tv before bed or have your head stuck in your computer like I am right now or GOD FORBID sleep with your laptop in your bed because you are such an insane workaholic you have to begin emailing from your pillow right as you’re waking up. Read a book instead. And wear socks so you’re not kept awake by how cold your stupid feet get. Try not to have a totally obnoxious alarm in the morning. My cell phone has nothing but truly alarming alarms, so I awaken with my heart racing like my life is on fire. Maybe someday I’ll get one of those peaceful, gradually chiming Zen alarm clocks. I totally really want one. Take a shower. That’s what I’m going to do when I’m done with this sub-standard entry.

If you’re just hooked on a fast paced no-sleep lifestyle, here’s some skin care harm reduction: vitamin C and collagen. Know what foods have a ton of collagen? Fish skin and pigs’ feet. The brilliant Japanese have been spiking their sodas and candy with collagen for years! Moisturize! I’m supposed to say Drink Water except guess what – I never drink water and a lady giving me a facial just told me my skin is wicked hydrated! I knew that water thing was all hype. Save your money and buy a good moisturizer instead of wasting it on bottle after useless bottle of Fiji. Even if you are like falling down with exhaustion, wash your face before you smear your greasy cheeks all over your unwashed pillows. Put some soggy chamomile tea bags in the fridge and then stick them on your eyes for a while. This also helps if you’re dating a jerk who makes you cry all the time and you don’t want to walk around looking like you’re in a bad relationship. Throw a wet facecloth on your face now and then throughout the day, unless it’s going to wreck the makeup you have so artfully applied to give the illusion of health. My favorite busted face repairer is a scrub and mask made by the amazing witch Dori Midnight. It’s called Breakfast Face cause it’s got a lot of oatmeal in it. I like to mix it with honey and smack it on and then go about my day like I’m not wearing a mask and get honey all over everything. Whatever. I look rested when I wash it off. If I’m feeling like life is extra-special I’ll use some of the lovely charmed honey Dori Midnight works magic on, so then my skin gets a boost and I’m super magic.

Linda Evangelista famously said she does not get out of bed for less than 10,000 a day. I think someone is going to have to pay me that much to get up tomorrow. From the Ramada Inn in West Hollywood, good night.

About Michelle Tea

I chanted "I am a fashion magnet" in the shower and subsequently found a Gianni Versace - era Versace skirt at Buffalo Exchange for $17. Once I got a beyond-my-means Fendi purse for free and sat staring at it, crying. Also cried at Olivier Theyskens' last show for Nina Ricci in Paris. Other things that make me cry: a good lip synch; my emotions. I have stolen two Jeremy Scott swag items from two Jeremy Scott events I was not quite invited to. Sometimes I want to age into Patti Smith, sometimes Baby Jane Hudson. I frequently dream I am in a magic thrift store where I can have whatever I want. I regret not buying the Alexander Wang purse when it was half price at Barney's. Like a delusional guy at a strip club, I feel special when the people who work at Barney's remember me. Having a Leo rising gives me big hair and a need for attention. My favorite designers right now are Alexander Wang, Philip Lim, Proenza Schouler, Vivienne Westwood, Viktor Rolf, Rick Owens, Rodarte, Helmut Lang and Surface to Air. I was once shamed by an employee of a high-end department store for pronouncing 'Rodarte' incorrectly.

4 comments

  1. meghan

    Right on, I love all the sleeping model pictures!

  2. clare

    i also find on the morning after a night of little sleep that i make truly horrendous fashion choices when getting dressed like a zombie. at some point during the day, when i’ve started to wake up more, there is the dreaded moment when i catch my reflection in a window and realize what i’ve done.

  3. Page McBee

    I ALSO WANT A ZEN ALARM CLOCK! Everytime I’m on the plane, I become obsessed with them because they’re in SKYMALL. Skymall makes me a crazy person, though. I’m always convinced I need whatever bizzaro crap they’re trying to sell me. But the Zen Alarm Clock is real. It has scents! And the gradual light! And soothing sounds!

  4. NJG

    Michelle! This is great writing, even though you’re so friggin’ tired.
    I recommend taking a hot bath an hour before bed.
    And as many naps as you can muster in a day.
    Not that you asked.

    xoxoxoxoxo

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