Everything I Need to KNow I Learned From TEEN VOGUE

Brigitte Bardot said ‘Couture is for old ladies’ or something like that. I think of this quote often while reading Vogue, which I have a subscription to. I bought one after a 24-hour drive at the end of a performance tour, when I bought fashion magazines at truck stops and held them open to the driver asking, ‘What would you wear on this page?’ again and again for hundreds of pages through Utah and Nevada, keeping her awake. It worked! Fashion keeps you focused! I got a scam subscription when I got home, under the name ‘Angelica Ford’ which I thought sounded like someone who would have a subscription to Vogue. I was not yet sure I was such a person, which is why I intended to enjoy the copies delivered to my house until the suits at Vogue realized I was never going to pay for it and cut me off. But as that day grew closer, I grew sorrowful. And confused. Vogue subscriptions are like $10 for the whole year. Why was I acting like a dumpster diver? So I got my subscription. It is, after all the bible. And like all bibles, much of its information and aesthetic comes from another era and may not be relevant to contemporary living. I’ve had the subscription for years now and I’m considering canceling cause it’s so fussy and out of date. But what will replace it? Duh – TEEN VOGUE, which I discovered, where else, in a nail salon in southern California! For an easy compare and contrast of coolness, let’s observe two covers, one K-Stew:

 

Sorry, Kristen

I just feel like Kristen Stewart’s insides aren’t matching her outsides in this cover. The look in her eyes is one of a teenaged girl putting on a brave face before running to carve up her arms in her bedroom. Look at her, trapped on a cover among such drivel as a day with queen-to-be Cate, timeless coats and brain trauma. Who is this being marketed to? What is the rhetoric of Vogue? Oooh. Yes, I just said that.

Much better.

YES. Doesn’t K-Stew look so much better on the cover of Teen Vogue? So many teenaged girls had uncomfortable feelings because of this cover! I don’t even notice that hideous necklace some half-wit stylist threw on her, all I see is this smoking hot surfer boy-girl person, why are they staring at me like that? I feel nervous! Seriously, I don’t care if Kristen Stewart is really a lez or just plays Joan Jett really, really good – she looks like a foxy little tomboy butchling and kudos to Teen Vogue for letting K-Stew be K-Stew. Let’s peek into the March issue so I can share all the important things I’ve learned!

I want that bathing suit so bad. I want my hair to be all sort of frizzed out like that, too. I wish I could time-travel back to my bedroom in 1987 and grab my crimping iron and teasing comb.

Target is releasing a collection of their best dresses from their designer capsule line GO International on March 13th. The thing is, most of the lines suck but it’s hard not to be hopeful and get all excited about it and get to Target at 8am to fight with crazy bitches in the dressing room. This is like athletic to me! However, since these are dresses they have already sold, we already know they’re crap, so there’s nothing to get excited about. Except the above dress by Jovavich-Hawk, which I have and have worn for years. It’s really nice and the fabric doesn’t start looking all poor after a few washes. Personally, I think they should have re-released these Rodarte shorts:

Denim with pleats and a braided waist! They look too well-crafted to have come from Target!

This LBD by Gaultier for Target is so well-designed with that cool criss-cross of fabric x-ing the skirt. It’s made of like plastic or something, you can crumple it up in your bag and then shake it out and voila, you look awesome! It has a sort of hibiscus flower print on it that is a mistake but you don’t really notice it, do you?

Also, just so you know, it’s now SAFE to shop at Target, and you can thank Lady Gaga. She had a talking-to with the suits over at the gay-hating chain and said they could only have exclusives to her Born This Way single if they started giving cash to queers and stopped funding psychopath losers with political agendas. And they agreed, because money talks and the Lady was like a a million dollars sitting there in a crazy hat. That is using the powers of celebrity for GOOD! Thanks, Gaga! I hated having to sneak into Target under cover of darkness and hope that no one gay spotted me . . . .

Oh, heeeeey, thanks Teen Vogue for styling this amazing um baby dyke hiphop raver editorial. What, you don’t think it’s that dykey?

Is there a secret agenda at Teen Vogue to turn America’s tweenaged girls into little queers? I sure hope so. Thanks Alastair McKimm, who I believe masterminded this, and thanks model Nyasha Matonhodze for being so awesome. She’s 16 years old and from Zimbabwe and has walked for Marc Jacobs and Jonathan Saunders.

Justin Bieber designs a line of nail polish for OPI. Weird.

Nice tits.

Marc by Marc Jacobs is following in Target’s footsteps, issuing a Greatest Hits of the last 10 years collection on March 15th. I have been haunted – haunted! – by a shorts romper I saw at the store in Provincetown a few years ago and never got. Oh, please let it be re-released! And this awesome long cotton dress from last year. It’s nice when you get a second chance at love.

This is Andrew Bevan, the Style Features Editor who writes the column Style Blogger for the magazine. At a glance, I would trust anything this man had to say about fashion.

Thanks Teen Vogue for introducing me to my newest style icon, fashion blogger Hanneli Mustaparta, who seems to possess my dream wardrobe of Alexander Wang, Helmut Lang and Chloe. Extra credit for wearing a t-shirt as a turban a la Little Edie.

Never Forget

Teen Vogue says color blocking is in and I am so into these dresses by Prabal Gurung – and ready for a ton of color this spring after living in beige, gray and olive green for the last six months.

My favorite denim purveyors, Earnest Sewn, have teamed up with Lacoste for a collaboration of jeans with little preppy alligators on the pockets! This is the most excited denim collab since Vivienne Westwood’s Anglomania x Wrangler, which tragically did not fit me. These ones will. The people at the Lacoste store downtown have my number and are calling me when the shipment comes in. Whoa.

A ‘Punk’ editorial in Teen Vogie was styled with these Jean Paul Gaultier for Opening Ceremony sandal – Doc Marten hybrid things. I’m not saying I like them. In fact, I think they’re ugly. So ugly I can’t take my eyes off of them, which means I may end of loving them. Weird.

An interview with Willow Smith – who should have been on the COVER, Teen Vogue, instead of that wan, boring girl from Twilight, no one cares about her – reveals that Willow’s style icon is none other than Billy Idol.

Good job, Willow! Says the pop star, “Whipping your hair means not being afraid to be yourself. If people don’t like you, then bunck them, you know?” That’s right – bunck them!

I don’t want to give a shit about Georgia May Jagger, but she’s the daughter of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger, and frankly I don’t think I’m strong enough to resist. There is a terribly boring interview with her in Teen Vogue that’s not worth reading. I’d rather just look at her teeth.

Okay, to give you a brief summary of what is HOT in the Teen Vogue landscape, it’s:

 

Jil Sander

Long skirts!

 

Prada

Too many prints all at the same time! Not sure about this.

 

Alexander Wang

HtT white! Into it! Don’t forget to forget to wear your bra!

 

D + G

Floral on floral violence. A staple.

 

Celine

Hot denim on denim action. Yes.

 

Alexander Herscovitch

Brights! Bring it!

And I’m out.

 

 

 

 

About Michelle Tea

I chanted "I am a fashion magnet" in the shower and subsequently found a Gianni Versace - era Versace skirt at Buffalo Exchange for $17. Once I got a beyond-my-means Fendi purse for free and sat staring at it, crying. Also cried at Olivier Theyskens' last show for Nina Ricci in Paris. Other things that make me cry: a good lip synch; my emotions. I have stolen two Jeremy Scott swag items from two Jeremy Scott events I was not quite invited to. Sometimes I want to age into Patti Smith, sometimes Baby Jane Hudson. I frequently dream I am in a magic thrift store where I can have whatever I want. I regret not buying the Alexander Wang purse when it was half price at Barney's. Like a delusional guy at a strip club, I feel special when the people who work at Barney's remember me. Having a Leo rising gives me big hair and a need for attention. My favorite designers right now are Alexander Wang, Philip Lim, Proenza Schouler, Vivienne Westwood, Viktor Rolf, Rick Owens, Rodarte, Helmut Lang and Surface to Air. I was once shamed by an employee of a high-end department store for pronouncing 'Rodarte' incorrectly.

2 comments

  1. Jacquie Crass

    I love the way you say things.

  2. I would be terrified to wear a romper, please post if you get it.

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