How We Prepare for Travel to Other Lands

Even Jenny Lewis is thinking about my vacation

I am currently scuba diving. It’s true.  I wrote this post a week ago. I’m writing to you from the past, from a moment in internet time that has already come and gone. This post is like a star whose light is only reaching you after its death. Wow. That was a little morbid. Sorry. I’m still alive, I’m just stalking sting rays or something.

At any rate, I’m writing this as I prepare to travel to a land I may not return from if I can somehow get someone to gift me a decaying hacienda that I can then spend the rest of my adult life restoring. Truth be told though, I’ve never done well in tropical climates. I love the sun, but the sun does not love me. You know what else doesn’t love me? Short shorts, eensy bikinis, flip flops, tank tops, tans, and pretty much anything that would fit in on Jersey Shore or in South Beach. My ancestors came from Nordic lands– not Vikings, exactly, but whatever the Danish and Dutch were before they were so stylish– we are not a people who look comfortable in flippy floppies. We look comfortable in fur (don’t send me any emails). No but seriously, I have to wear 70spf like I’m a newborn. We are a fragile people. That whole thing about beach blondes and tans and whatnot? FAKE BLONDES!  I know, I know– just another whiny Arian bitch. Actually, historical Arians lived where Afghanistan is now. The more you know!

So here are the lovely style icons I’ve been looking to to provide me guidance when it comes to comfort and ease, and aesthetics that won’t make me look like a warm weather faker.

Sophia Loren! She looks amazing (always in anything) in big hats and giant sunglasses. Which is great, because I have to have sunglasses nearly all the time on account of my light eyes, which are more light sensitive than their brethren in varying shades of walnut. I need a sun hat like that– one that won’t make me look like I’m planting tulips all afternoon.

 

Queen of the Mediterranean

 

She has conquered that ledge and mastered those heels

 

I definitely won’t be wearing heels on the beach, or near the beach, or anywhere on my trip, but I’m generally into the attitude they’re creating. More than that, I love both of those dresses. A billowy sailor dress? Yes! A simple belted cotton dress? Yes!

 

Liz Taylor! Has she ever NOT looked good in anything? No.  She has a short waist, just like me. That gives me hope that I can also wear a belted white silk dress. Brick and Big Daddy might be having a sausage fest, but we all know who wins in this scene. Maggie the cat! Because she makes the South look more fashionable than it actually was in the early 20th century. I grew up there.  I can say it, but you can’t.

 

"Why Big Daddy!"

 

 

A come hither gaze has never looked more chafing

 

Can I just say, HURRAY FOR ONE PIECE SWIMSUITS! They’re not just for people who have had babies anymore. I like a two piece, but I don’t like the lobster finish on my torso after a day (or an hour) on the beach. One piece suits look so classy, and frankly I think they’re hotter.

 

 

Everyone needs a deep V and a garter belt

Awesome. A simple white short sleeve cotton shirt with a deep V, a pencil skirt, and a dedication to a piercing stare. That’s all anyone needs for a vacation.

 

Jean Seberg! I realize I already did an entire post months ago about  Ms. Seberg, but she is a fashion hero of mine, so I’m putting her in again. She had short hair and a snaggle-tooth, which I particularly appreciate, since I only know one other female person in real life who has short short hair and most people get their teeth fixed, which is boring (says the girl with her own snaggle-tooth).

 

 

I'm dying. She's so adorable.

 

Are you sensing a theme, yet? Button up cotton shirts and belted things. Easy-peasy, looks great.

 

 

Is that yoga or something? I don't care. Head scarf!

 

Three words: dramatic head scarf. It’s never occurred to me to try that, but now I’m going to. It will solve all of my tulip planting sun hat issues.

 

 

A tank top that doesn't look like an old rag!

 

Never mind about the head scarf. I’m getting a straw hat that looks like a fedora instead. This is also encouraging me to try shorts despite thighs the color of San Francisco winter. Should I smoke? I might smoke. I won’t smoke.

Jenny Lewis! I think she’s adorable and I figured I should throw a contemporary in here somewhere. Additionally, I can absolutely accomplish this look while lounging around. I already own that look from several summers ago when I was driving up to Russian River all the time to float in a tube in 95 degree weather.

 

 

Bring me a peach. I'm too languid to move.

I don’t paint my nails, though. I hate the texture.

Decrepit hacienda, here I come!

 

 

About Michael von Braithwaite

Does it look like I'd wear it on a boat, at an eccentric person's estate or accompanied by a peacock on a chain? Yeah, I'll probably buy that.

One comment

  1. TOO fortuitious, I am going scuba diving for the first time in 3 weeks and trying to figure out what to bring, maybe there is hope

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