Yesterday morning I found myself biking through the rain up College avenue in Oakland wearing a sporty rain-jacket, mustard-stained jeggings, legwarmers, and my girlfriend’s 3-sizes-too-big shearling-lined leather slippers. This ensemble was due to a confluence of unfortunate events too long to recount in detail, involving a fashionable picnic photoshoot, a showdown with a hipster over the last pair of jeggings at a Walgreens on Market Street, and a roller derby scrimmage in a West Oakland warehouse. Just know that I woke up the next morning away from home with improper footwear and 20 minutes to get to a physical therapy appointment a few miles away.
This outfit reminded me that I needed to brush up on a valuable fashion lesson: How to rock the Walk of Game.
For those of you who don’t know, the Walk of Game – known in more repressive times as the Walk of Shame – is the walk home the morning after a night of debauchery and torrid liaisons. Here are my newly reviewed survival tips for the trysty types:
HOW TO ROCK THE WALK OF GAME
1. Be Prepared
Duh. Sluts and Boy Scouts have so much in common! If there is a chance you will not be sleeping at home, have at minimum a travel toothbrush and a clean pair of chonies. If you wear lady chonies, these take up a minimal amount of space and are easy to roll up and carry discreetly in your pockets/cleavage/boot shaft/snooki bump. This will not save you from being in a cocktail dress at commute hour, but at least you wont smell like all the sex and vodka you had the night before.
2. Dress with Intent
In our patriarchal society, when someone sees a woman in a tight, skimpy dress and stilettos they might think, “That girl wants to get laid!” A girl dressed like Russian pop-star Nadeea at this year’s grammy’s, for example:
But not me. I know that the real pros are dressed so that they can spend the night out and go to work in the morning in whatever they partied in with the quick addition of a blazer picked up at TJ Max on the the way from the espresso bar to the desk. I give you Margaret Cho at the same event:
Safety pin the hem of this bad boy to the inside of the waist, add a jacket and tights — you’ve got workwear. In that gorgeous chain-handle evening bag she has more than enough room for a pantie burrito, a classy toothbrush and some safety pins. Walk of Game WIN.
3. Use available resources
In Butterfield 8, Elizabeth Taylor plays a call girl. She wakes up in the apartment of a gentlemen client to $250 left on the night table and a torn dress. She is wearing this:
She puts her coat on over her slip and does this:
Then takes off her coat, and replaces it with a full-lenth mink she discovers in the closet of her gentleman client’s wife:
…and exits the building for her Walk of GAME.
4. Don’t Give a Fuck
Perhaps the most famous Walk of Game ever is Holly Golightly in a black gown and sunglasses eating her croissant in front of Tiffany’s on 5th Avenue. It was obvious she was wearing the same outfit she’d had on to party in the night before and she didn’t give a fuck.
Or does she actually get dressed up like this specifically to go to Tiffany’s? I can’t remember. I haven’t watched this movie since I was a self-hating obsessive teenager trying to diet down to size Audrey. But symbol of impossible feminine ideal or not, the overall impression of evening-wear-in-the-morning is “Walk of Game” and Golightly did not give a fuck. Well done, Golightly.
In closing, the four tenants of successful Walk of Game dressing:
1. Be prepared
2. Dress with intent
3. Use available resources
4. Don’t give a fuck
Happy Gaming, Gents & Ladies.