Michael von Braithwaite recently put up a brilliant post on Ironing Board all about outfitting the reluctant bystanders of the impending revolution. She was joking, sort of. The inspiration for her tongue-in-cheek-how-to was our shared experienced hitting the floor in our apartment last weekend as the sound of rifle blasts intermingled with helicopters and sirens. The psycho symphony was a result of an anti-government nutcase letting loose on the cops two blocks from our house.
Don’t let this fashion emergency happen to you. Geez, guys.
After Michael’s post, I have spent the last few days contemplating our situation and, frankly, I’ve been concerned. I know what happens when the more masculine-attired among us let themselves go and–if there’s ever a time to not give a shit about how you look–it’s when the downtrodden white guys rise up en masse against the ACLU. Don’t let this happen to you.
Listen, we have seen the airport sweatpants, the ill-fitting shirt, the flip flops. It’s easy to get sucked into that sad, sad place. Ultimately, will the external chaos be worth the style sacrifice? You got to look better to feel better, as we all know.
The proposal is: everyone is going to have to at least pretend to choose sides when the white guys try to take down the white guys, but some of us just want to camouflage ourselves long enough to get over a border. We need sensible clothes that say both F-the-NEA and, simultaneously, God-Save-the-USA. Or whatever. But there’s no reason we can’t look dashing and be stealthy while dashing stealthily.
In this house, where we greet overwhelming situations with dark irreverence, we have begun planning our “revolutionary outfits.” Here are some of my offerings for your consideration:
Search no further than Junya Watanabe’s Fall 2010 collection for the perfect how-to. You need mysterious swagger. Wild cards can successfully acrobat out of dicey situations when their outfits brim with sophistication that is both clean and rugged.
The coat can weather the elements. The pants look classy, but sturdy. The hat allows you to catch a nap while on the run. The tie makes a great bandage, if necessary.
I take issue with one component: the shoes. While sweet, the kicks are impractical. You don’t want to be slip-sliding down hills and across major freeways.
Ok, this is important. Functionality is key but you don’t want to throw the look. I mean, why waste your time with a tie in the first place if you’re not going to really OWN it, you know? I hate when people pair ties/bow ties with jeans and go to a dance night. Only, like, five people can do that well. And they know who they are. But I digress. There won’t be dance parties until the revolution ends.
Shoes! This pair by G-star will definitely look awesome on your motorcycle as you head for the hills.
These AMAZING shoes are a collaboration between Band of Outsider and Sperry. They are clearly all-element and look toasty, which is good since you probably won’t have alot of time for yachting.
Since the pants/shoes color combo I just suggested is likely controversial, you might want an extra pair of pants. Also, you’re probably going to get a little gross after a few days and there’s no need to sacrifice hygiene.
Obviously, you need jeans and you probably will have to lose the tie (see my diatribe above). But that’s cool. Keep the rest of the elements and add a pair of Nudie’s dry black coated denim. I have a pair of Nudie’s and I can attest that they look rad, fit right and hold up. Plus, black jeans will look excellent with the rest of your oufit. Keep it classy!
Alright, you’re going to need to carry your fancy clothes and supplies like water and canned goods. You need something durable but not militaristic–you don’t want either side pinning you down, remember? That spells trouble.
May I suggest this waterproof roll-up from Chrome? If bike messengers can’t destroy it doing whatever makes them so grimy, you won’t either.
I think my job here is done. We’re all going to look like a million bucks if the militias come out of the woods. Over and out.